Arguments, Challenges

Second Marriage Tip #4: Agree to Disagree

Have you ever watched a political debate on T.V.? Personally, I find them pretty exciting! Everyone knows that the main goal of any debate is to win. The competition aspect of debating is what makes it so entertaining and draws people in. Let’s face it, without conflict, debates are just boring speeches. Conflict keeps us watching!

How do you feel about debating in “real life?” Do you enjoy a good argument or avoid it at all costs? Our tendency to argue or not argue depends highly on the home we were brought up in and our personality  style. Disagreements are inevitable but if things start to get ugly,  people really can get hurt!

When I was younger, I absolutely loved to debate, and for this reason, my mother thought I might grow up to be a lawyer. My verbal sparring skills may have been a real asset in the courtroom but they did me less good when it came to relationships. Winning an argument will earn you points if you are on a debating team but in a marriage situation, it can cause immeasurable harm.

When we “aim to win,” with our spouse, we are seeking the wrong thing: to win at all costs, even  at the cost of our relationship. What is the solution? One strategy is to “agree to disagree” sometimes. This doesn’t mean that you pretend to agree with them, just to avoid conflict.

Instead, if you find you find yourself on completely different sides of an issue, state your thoughts and allow your partner to do the same. If you find yourselves going to an “ugly place,” try this. Simply, let it sit for a while. If possible, agree not to talk about it for two or three days.  Once you have both cooled down, revisit the issue together. At this time, you may find it easier to find a solution that suits both of you.

This the fourth in a series called “Second Marriage Tips.” If you have found it useful, please let me know in the comments below.

Here are the first three tips in the series:

Second Marriage Tip #1: Take Time For Yourself

Second Marriage Tip #2: Be Patient

Second Marriage #3: Let Go of the Past

If you are interested in my book on second marriages, you can pick it up here.

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