How to Recover From Stress Conflict

“In this world, ye will have tribulation,” was what Jesus said. And it is so true. No one is exempt from having problems. They are part of life. Often, stress and worries are hard on a marriage, too. Today, I want to talk about how to recover from conflict caused by stress and worry.

Before we get started, though, I just wanted to say hi! I hope you are keeping well in these crazy times. I haven’t blogged for a bit. Part of the reason I have neglected the blog is that I am trying to decide on some changes to this site. In order to make these changes, I really need to hear from readers and would absolutely love to have your feedback via a survey, which is here: Subscriber Survey.

For everyone that fills out the survey, I will enter your name in a draw for a prize package of two of my books, either loaded unto your Kindle or print versions mailed to your home. I appreciate your assistance in helping me plan for the future of this blog in the months to come. Thank you!

Stress Can Lead to Arguments

So, I wanted to share that this weekend was a bit tense for my husband and me. Have any of you ever had home repairs/renovations done on your home that took more than a couple of hours? Yes? Well, then you understand what we were feeling.

It is a lot of pressure, you guys! You have people coming in that you don’t normally have in. You are spending money that you don’t normally spend AND …. your whole house gets turned upside down in order to make this happen. In the end, though, you hope it will be worthwhile. In our case, the good news is we will have a new floor in the living room instead of the current plywood monstrosity (yay!) but the not-so-great news was that the cost is higher than we’d planned for. (darn!)

Money Stress Top Divorce Trigger

A recent study showed that money worries were the number one cause of divorce for couples in the United Kingdom. I am sure the stats for the USA or Canada aren’t much different. Arguments over money are one of the most common sources of pressure and conflict but we can also argue about other things: work, housework, the kids, or an ex-partner.

In our case, money issues and the pressure of renovations (another huge conflict causing agent in marriages!) really got to us. And we are not alone. In fact, a study done by Houzz, the pinterest of home design found that 12 % of couples considered divorcing or separating during their last home renovation. It is not surprising. As much as I fantasize about fixing up our stuck-in-the-80’s style house, I always forget how much pressure it always is.

We felt the pressure and we started to pick at each other. I fully admit I fell into the stereotype of nagging wife. And he defended himself. Things got loud. Luckily, this did not go on too long. Our arguments now are far different than the days-long squabbles we had when we were first married. I am glad it didn’t last long. I apologized. He apologized. And then we talked.

Whatever is causing the buildup of pressure, whether it’s money, housework, the kids or even our ex, we desperately crave ways to stop stress from ruining our relationships. I wanted to share four steps to stop stress-related arguments from ruining your relationship. These are the things that work for us, even if we don’t always follow them. Now, I don’t guarantee these strategies will stop any and all conflict. That’s not really a realistic goal but hopefully, these tips will help you stop escalating things as far and to end your arguments more quickly.

1. Stop the “Blame Game”

One of the main reasons that we fall into arguments is that one or both feel pressure that is hard to handle. That pressure builds up inside of us and it is easy to take it out on someone we love, the closest person to us. If they are doing something that we might see as causing part of our pressure, it is even easier to fall into argument mode. So, the trick is to stop the “Blame Game.”

Another word for blaming is criticizing. Renowned relationship expert John Gottman calls criticism one of the four horsemen that will destroy your marriage. Whenever we look at our issues and inwardly decide our partner is to blame, we are starting to damage our relationship because it will eventually come out verbally.

Once the other person feels like you are blaming them and criticizing them, they will likely get defensive. The Bible says that an offended person is harder to win over than a strong city (Proverbs 18:19) and it is true that when we are offended, it is even harder to communicate.

Ending the “blame game” isn’t always easy. I admit that I still sometimes do it even though I know how wrong it is. Even though I have written not to do it. But that really is the first key to stopping stress-related conflict from escalating. Stop blaming our partner for whatever we think is wrong.

2. Look Within

If you have already started to argue, it’s not too late. Take a break from the conflict. Stop the ugly words and calm down. Then, look within. My husband and I have learned to do this. Instead of continuing to confront each other, we both retreat for a while. And we start to look within ourselves. When we can see where the conflict started within ourselves, whether it’s from some fear or anxiety, from being physically run down or from an entirely different situation, we start to take back the control.

To see your own motives, you may need some help. If you are a person of faith, you can pray for the LORD to help you see what you were really feeling. You can write about it in a journal. Or just ask yourself, “what am I really feeling right now?”

3. Show Love Even if You Don’t Feel Like it

After we have had an argument, it is sometimes hard to reach out. I know part of me feels like I want to hold unto the grudge a little bit longer. But one of the things you can do to start to mend the rift is just show love even if you don’t feel like it. Hug your partner. Offer to make a cup of coffee. Hold his hand. Just a little thing to signal that you still love him even if the two of you are having a misunderstanding. A hug can be an especially effective message if your partner’s love language is touch.

4. Find the Hope

The last step I want to encourage you in is to look for the hope in the situation. So often, we start to pick on each other when we feel trapped. Look for hope in whatever issues you are facing. There is always a way out or a silver lining if you look hard enough. Take time with your partner to find hope together.

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So, if you and your partner tend to fight a lot when the pressure is on, I hope these four steps are helpful. Until next time, take care.