As a church girl, I know there are two days of service that are pretty predictable. One is Easter Sunday: a beautiful service full of hope and rejoicing, where we celebrate the ressurrection of Jesus Christ. The other one is Mother’s Day. The routines may vary slightly but the idea is the same: honour all mothers with an extravagant gesture meant to make up for the hours of (mostly thankless) work done the rest of the year. Sometimes the mothers get a rose (or a daisy) delivered by shiny young men with bright smiles.
These annual mother day rituals are well-deserved, giving women recognition for efforts that often go unnoticed: the work of caregiving, running a household and molding a human being into personhood. For some of us, though, this well-intentioned ritual can cause confusion and even sadness. First of all, there are those who have lost a child. There are those who have recently lost their mother. Finally, the day can be uncomfortable for stepmoms and others who play a mothering role without the recognition.
Doing the Job Without the Title
Those who play a mothering role without the former title can find Mother’s Day a struggle. Foster moms, aunts, sisters and grandmothers. Even teachers who take their jobs to heart. On one hand, they have children they nurture, care for, and miss when they are gone. They may be doing the jobs of feeding, driving and cleaning up. On the other hand, society does not give them honour for doing the loving of children, like it does “real mothers.”
We as stepmoms, and others in mothering roles may secretly long for that recognition. On most days, we don’t focus on it but sometimes, on days like Mother’s Day, we are reminded. We are faced with the question: are mothers just the ones on the birth certificate or also the women who show up for the child, no matter how exhausted they are?
We may struggle with painful feelings of being unseen and ignored. Feelings of wondering if it is worth all of what we put into it. Maybe even feelings of self-pity and resentment, when we might secretly think, “other moms get flowers and dinner but for me, nothing.” It is really painful to be giving everything, and to not be seen for it. It is really difficult to love unconditionally with no appreciation. It hurts and I won’t pretend it doesn’t. I wanted to share four things, though, that may help to give some perspective. I won’t guarantee it will take the pain away but I hope these points will help make things more bearable.
1. Remember that kids feel loyalty binds
A loyalty bind is a conflict of loyalties. It is feeling guilty for liking one person because it might hurt another person. Children in blended families often go through intense loyal conflicts. They feel constantly pulled by two sides: their mom’s side and their dad’s side. Kids might like their stepmom but want to be sure they are not betraying their allegiance to their mom by doing so.
You not receiving honour on Mother’s Day does not mean you are not loved or appreciated. But if your stepchild was to acknowledge you as a mother, they risk offending their biological mother. So, it’s not fair to expect it from them. Saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to you may feel like a betrayal. So rather than risk that danger, they often say nothing.
2. Remember That You Are Beautiful
One Mother’s Day, I was having a particularly bad day. My husband was working all weekend and I was at home without any plans. All the women I knew were out celebrating with their kids and the kids I took care, well, they were celebrating with their mom. It admit to having a pity party in that empty house that Sunday.
As I was “partying” by myself, I heard a knock on the door. When I came to the door, there was a card left in the mailbox. “You are beautiful!” it said, signed by my neighbour, Rose. Rose was my sweet, eccentric little lady who lived next door with her second husband. The card told me that she understood the challenges of being a stepmom on Mother’s Day and how she had often felt sad and lonely on Mother’s Day, too.
That card made my day. I cried seeing how she had reached out to me, an almost stranger to remind me that I was worthy and that my feelings were normal. So, today, on Mother’s Day, please let me pass Rose’s message unto you. “You are beautiful. You will get through this. You are not the first one to feel this way.”
3. Remember That Your Are More Than This
Remember that you are more than a stepmother, a maid, a wife. Yes, the job takes up a lot time, energy and heart. You put your everything into it and it can be overwhelming. Take time this day to do something you really enjoy, that gives you purpose. Don’t spend the day ruminating (like I did that year) but plan to do something you love, whether it’s painting a picture, taking a hike or baking a cake. I know this year (2020). may be more challenging because of the restrictions but do something to remind yourself that you are more than this role. You are still you.
What is one thing that makes you feel like you are one percent yourself? Can you find a way to do that on Mother’s Day? Feeling grounded reminds you that you were a person before taking on the stepmother role and that after the kids grow up, you will still be that same person.
Remember, too, that you are a daughter. Take time for your mom this year. Celebrate her, take her out, spoil her. Her other children may be busy with their own celebrations, so may have more time to give. If you have lost your mom, honour her with your day by doing something that reminds you of her.
4. Remember That You Are Planting Seeds
This year, I started my second vegetable garden. Although I come from a long line of professional gardeners (a.k.a. farmers), I came to the food growing business late in life. So the whole process still leaves me in awe. How can a huge plant (and food!) come from such ridiculously small seeds? The thyme seeds, the smallest of them all, could be easily mistaken for specks of dust!
But even I, as a novice gardener, know that I will have to wait. When I plant my tomato seeds, I don’t expect to bite into a juicy red speciman the following day. I plant many seeds into those tiny little pots and will wait months before anything comes to fruition.
We Moms and “sort-of moms” plant seeds, too, into the soil (and soul) of the kids in our life. Seeds like patience, encouragement, undivided attention and time. We clean up after them, drive them and feed them but don’t expect much back because we’re in it for the long haul. We are building a life, not buying a chocolate bar. Unlike a vending machine, we don’t expect an immediate reward for what we put in. The reward is in the loving.
Whether we are “real moms,” or aunts, stepmothers or teachers, we are loving them without expectation. Raising a child is very often a thankless task. We don’t love for the sake of getting something back. Loving a child is a reward on its own. Stepmoms and foster moms, remember that most biological moms don’t get much thanks, either. Sure, they have one day that is theirs, but it helps to remember that the rest of the year, most kids tend to be pretty ungrateful.
Stepmother’s Day Is Next Week
So, stepmoms and other “sort of” moms, you will get through this. I know it can be diffcult and painful. It is quite possible that when the kids get older, they may feel more free to show their appreciation towards you. They often do. Remember, too, that next week is your day: Stepmother’s Day. Society hasn’t caught on to this day yet but we can spread the word! At the least, ask your husband to recognize you on this day.
If you would like more encouragement about this blended family business, check out my new book for the stepmom’s journey: 16 Gifts from a Stepmom: Encouragment for the Blended Family Journey.
Please comment in the box below. How do you deal with the complex emotions that Mother’s Day can bring up?
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